We need to talk.
I feel the need to level with you a bit in light of my recent announcement.
Yes, I have chosen to return to my adult roots.
Yes, I am planning to shoot adult material as a producer again.
And yes, I am also eventually planning on adding fresh new scenes to my roster. As a model. In front of the camera. For my company and also for other adult companies.
(Note my choice not to use the “porn star” label. Let’s be honest: It’s porn – not the academy awards. I’m not a porn actor – that would mean everything I depict is make believe. I don’t like the “S” word because I think it inadvertently puts me in a category that frankly is none of my business designating for myself.)
While I have always stated (if everything went according to plan) I did not intend on returning to the adult industry as a model – I am going back on those statements made years prior to now. [GASP!]!
Does that make me wishy-washy?
No, people change their minds all the time. It’s taken me four years to return. Wishy Washy would probably have required a quicker back and forth and back again.
Am I a sell out?
No, I’m not stooping to an all-time low. I’m not taking on a new career or path that I haven’t already enlivened in the past.
Or, am I just confused about what I really want out of life?
Getting warmer. Who knows what they want out of life? For real? Half the time we run around saying things that sound nice to us – solid theories about what appeals to us and looks good on paper – but then we realize it’s all just theory and living it, being it or doing it is a lot more complicated. “I like the idea of it, but not it“.
Worst yet, am I merely returning to porn because I feel it’s my only option?
No. Wrong. Though it would make for a sensational and tragic narrative. A fate not too uncommon for so many performers that have come before me. Unfortunately, the most sensational part of my life has come and gone. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to one-up 17 year old porn star and 21 year old witness in a murder trial. And for good reason. Anything more than that sounds like sheer hell to me.
The truth of the matter is . . . I hate partitioning myself. I hate feeling held back. I hate being bridled, stunted, and prevented from being who I truly am. I thought all I ever really wanted to do with the rest of my life was anything other than porn. But in reality, over the last few years of living away from it, I have learned so much more about what’s real to me and what isn’t.
What I want and who I am. How the two fit.
They’re joined, spliced together, in some strange animal hybrid that simply cannot be controlled or caged.
That’s good for you – and has proven to be somewhat problematic for me. Definitely it’s proven to make things more than a bit more complicated in my life, especially my love life. Oooops . . . .
The reality is, and I was never fooling myself here (for the record, once and for all!), I was never going to get very far in mainstream media alone. Again, I knew that. But the plight, and the interest, and my goals, and the sheer drive and determination to prove there is more to me than what meets the eye got the best of me.
None of that has changed. I’m not going to lower my personal expectations just because I’m merely no longer pretending like exhibitionism is a part of my very fiber.
I still insist I’m not your average adult model. You know that. That’s why we’re here. Yes, I do embody much of what makes us who we are. That you can’t deny! Those of us who are good at this kind of work all have some of this going for us (duh).
But never, ever ever forget that we, your sexpot hunk porn boys, are never only just what hangs between our legs. Afterall, many of you (whether you admit or or not, whether you know it or not), are attracted to what you are attracted to for more reasons than what you are seeing on the surface.
I know I don’t have to remind you the biggest sexual organ in the human body is THE BRAIN.
The reality of my work in mainstream media is it came at a greater cost than it was valued at for me. Ultimately there’s a price for everything you want out of life. Running around, pretending to be someone I was making me feel diminished.
How much was I really willing to pay to get as far as I could in the non porn world of entertainment?
Well, I got into the thick of it and decided after 4 years that what I was willing to do was less than I originally had thought. And since I am leveling here with you now, there is an element of sadness to all of this. I knew I could pay a great price, spin my wheels for the rest of my life, and I still might not ever really get where I wanted to be. Even with keeping my aspirations realistic there was never any indication that I wasn’t going to waste a lifetime of drive, determination, talent and dreams only to be utterly disappointed and bitter.
I am not bitter. I’m not in the least embittered about my past in porn. But the non-porn world would not rest until I turned my back on it all completely. They wanted to make a deal but weren’t willing to deliver on their side of the bargain. Even for a thrill seeker like me that sounds like too great a gamble.
There is a fire inside me that has not gone away. It will not go away. And I am refusing to squander it.
I am not willing to waste it on a plight that has yielded nearly nothing for me.
I loved my time in porn. I didn’t quit until the last 2 shoots began to reveal something to my, quietly. The reality, at the time, was that my approach and sheer feelings about the ACT of working on camera was beginning to become a bit jilted for me. In short, I mean to say I began to internalize the task at-hand too much. A smart person in porn knows better than to over-think the work. That’s why you don’t see too many intellectual types in front of the camera (there are a few tho! You know who you are). What I mean to say is, I psyched myself out. But also, for the first time in my life, I thought I was falling in love with a man. That had a profound affect on how I felt about sharing my body like that while he was in my life.
I was encouraged to walk away from adult by my lover. I was pushed away further from porn by the producers of some of my mainstream work I did because they needed desperately to cling to some validation in their choice to cast me. I obliged believing their rhetoric – that I could climb as high as I wanted and become the filmmaker/actor I dreamed of being long before PORN was even a PART of my life.
How familiar are you with my story? Did you know that I originally became acquainted with the idea of doing porn as a model because my first producer offered to mentor me in making film? Not just porn, but the entire process of releasing DVD media. Did you know Bryan Kocis lured me into his house 10 months after having met him via the internet through my then-boyfriend (who had applied to work for Cobra and had been denied but was later considered after having used me as his “in”)? I took a “summer job” working for him and his one man bullshit outfit in Pennsylvania under the pretense that he would teach me the ropes. When I arrived in Pennsylvania (at his home outside of Phily) he presented a grand plan for our future together. When I declined to go along with his ridiculous notion to make me his bitch, right hand boy, and meat puppet he refused to follow through with his original offer to have me apprentice for him. All I wanted to do was learn anything I could about the medium of filmmaking. It didn’t even matter to me that it was porn. I was so hungry to learn that I would take knowledge anywhere, from anyone. Unfortunately my drive to learn was used against me by a man who really only wanted to use my body.
The entire situation would snowball out of control a year later when the truth about my age become too public for me to keep Bryan’s secret. A secret that we both shared. A fact that I have been very careful to make well known because I have ALWAYS been scrutinized by the incredulously sounding nature of it all.
“Why didn’t you just leave?”
“Where were your parents?”
“But you were 17-18. How could you not know better? You were nearly an adult?!”
“Then you became one of the biggest adult models in the industry and parlayed that into producing for your own adult company?! You HAD to know exactly what you were doing all along!”
No. Not in the least.
As trite as it sounds I got my education from the school of Hard Knocks. At this stage in my life I had only just enrolled.
You know that that means? I think on my feet. I improvise. Figure it out as I go along. Amend, adapt and use what my surroundings have to offer to me. This is how kids with inattentive parents, no resources, and a world-wise understanding of how it all works get by.
And to think – that a young man that has ever taken two dicks in his ass (on the camera for the world to beat off to) would ever really become a viable, respected actor?! Believe me – if anyone knew ludicrous that sounds – I DID.
I’m the king of long shots. And shit, Baby, you can tell me I’m wrong or not to waste my time until you pass out from boredom, but I will never listen to you. I will almost always work to learn it for myself. It’s a trust thing. And, it’s a refusal to accept my limitations. No matter how obvious they might be.
Where am I now? I’m happy.
I’m single. Perfectly eligible and utterly disinterested.
I’m just as talented as I ever was. Maybe even more so. And in more ways than just one.
I’m far more determined – the first 3 times I set out to develop an adult enterprise still has not yet yielded the outcome I require of it all.
And I’m in the best shape of my life.
Here’s the best part of all of it: I’m armed with a better vantage point than I was before. What I think we need in the adult media world, what’s coming next, and how to put it all together is something I know now that I didn’t know before. Not to mention I’ve now garnered experience in film media production that I would not have otherwise if I hadn’t left porn for four years.
Yes, I’m tired. I feel like I’ve been running ragged for years now. But I’m far too young to throw in the towel now. And I’m starved for real success.
Am I done with mainstream entertainment? NO. I produced the most provocative and moving film of my non-adult career and played the top billed star in that picture. I directed myself in a non-porn film last April that married my experience in both adult and mainstream genres.
I’m already doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I’m not sitting around waiting for people to give me roles, or to pass me up because I’ve taken a few dicks on camera. Fuck that. You want something done right? Do it yourself. Do it for yourself. So I will continue to make non-porn films in the way I think they should be made. And fuck it, I might do a lil acting for myself here and there. If there are producers/directors out there are bold enough to know that I’ve got what it takes (and their strong enough to stomach the adult pieces of me) then who knows? Maybe I’ll get just what I’ve always wanted out of life.
But until then, I’m going to have some fun. I’m not going to waste half of who I am on a world that can’t appreciate all of me.
Are you ready? Because it’s coming.
SPL aka Brent Corrigan