Personal Journal

Guys, I’ve always been pretty resistant to the whole NoH8 photo movement, feeling as though it was one big vanity project.

However, the cause does bring great awareness to civil and marriage equality: these two issues have become very hot-headed debate points in today’s society. The NoH8 movement has made great strides in bringing people of visibility and social stature to a place where they can share their stance and support for a movement centered upon equality. I finally agreed to have my NoH8 photo taken when Tim Sullivan, Director/Writer of Chillerama and “I Was A Teenage Werebear” requested personally that I come on board with him and my costar Anton Troy in doing a video meant to help integrate horror fans, queer fear lovers and denizens of the gay community on a front that would communicate our support and love for our worlds that meet at the convergent point that “I Was A Teenage Werebear” has become.

I’d like to get very much to share the message we are bringing to everyone in our video, so thank you in advanced to enbedding it to your Facebook profiles and pasting the link in to your Twitter pages.

I agreed to include myself in this video clip in the hopes that the message would ring loud and clear to any person suffering from prejudice or hate:

While we may not be there enduring it at your side, we’ve all felt like the outsiders, the minority, or even weak for our differences.  I merely want those suffering to know that each and every one of us has the right to find our way through it and discover our place of happiness and love. I grew up feeling as though my position as an outcast in my high school, and even my family, would never end. That I would never find my place in the world. I even began to think that there wasn’t a place for me – that being alone forever was inevitable and that I would never have anything special to impart upon the world. And then one day I stood up and realized only WE can fix ourselves, change our lives, and make the kind of difference that will matter on an individual level.

It doesn’t get better until we make it better for ourselves.

Guys and Dolls!

A few weeks ago (like, many at this point!) I was asked to be included in Manhunt’s 10th Anniversary Bash at The House of Blues in Boston where it all began. I was there with several other stars including porn’s perfect pup couple Austin Wilde and Anthony Romero as well as Jesse Jackman and others. The House of Blues was PACKED and you could smell the excitement in the air!

Manhunt really whipped it out for their 10th anniversary. They put a great event together and I give mad props to their promotional team for getting everything together, keeping the models in line and sober long enough to do their job to their fullest, and of course garnering a line up worth turning out for.

By the way, Jesse and his husband (is that correct? Boyfriend? Main fuck? Anyone know?) were absolutely the coolest of the entire group – not cliquish or feigning that they were better than any of the other adult stars in attendance.

You know, I’ve never really wondered why I’ve failed to make friends and family (hello! I was the black sheep, black listed boy who worked his first 2 shoots underage, that alone will get people to run screaming from me) here in the adult industry but it was this event that helped to reinforce my suspicions that most other adult stars are pretty petty and callous in the way that they treat people. When it was clear early on I was *the* outsider in this at The Manhunt Tour Finale group I just kept to myself, hung back, and tried to stay out of everyone’s way – then when it was time to work, mingle with the fans, be available for autographs and pictures, and meet people I was on-point, front and center.

You know, I realize how confusing things may appear right now with the way I am outwardly managing my career. Am I porn star or an actor? Have I stopped doing porn forever? And if that’s a decision I’ve made, why do I keep appearing as Brent Corrigan, dancing in my underwear, at these kinds of events? If I promote a more mainstream image and I’m so adamant about people knowing I run by Sean Paul Lockhart these days, why am I here promoted as Brent Corrigan for Manhunt’s 10th Anniversary and appearing with Brent Everett at Splash for New Year’s Eve?

I suppose the best way to put it is transitional.  Doing more mainstream work, working to become a screenwriter, actor and director – well, that’s a process. It doesn’t happen over night. And to be completely straight with you, the money in that arena certainly doesn’t come first. You pay your dues, put your back into it, and build working relationships and a reputation for producing quality work. All that takes time. Am I saying I’m still Brent Corrigan just for the money? Not all all. I still love doing all this work. In fact, I still love porn. I certainly still consume it on a regular basis. But I realized that what I want for my life and career is going to take many years and a shift had to begin the sooner the better.  I take appearances as Brent Corrigan because I still have an absolute blast doing these things. The fans are nice, they’re friendly, they’re even RESPECTFUL! A porn star couldn’t ask for much more than that.

Do I consider myself still a porn star? Yes. Am I still making porn? Not at the moment. Will I ever make porn again? It’s conceivable. Will I ever perform as an adult model again? Right now I’d prefer to say no. But a boy’s got a right to change his mind now, doesn’t he?!

There’s no mold, no road map, no step by step directions and ingredients list for doing what I am attempting to do these days. It’s not like I’ve looked a recipe up for baking a bundt cake online! I’m figuring it out as I go along; focused to stay true to me but also taking on suggestions and careful influence from those around me whom I trust. Some have said crazy things like I need to denounce the gay life (publicly, only!), say porn is The Devil, get married, and apologize for everything I’ve done as a kid. Yeah. Seriously. I thought that sounded crazier than only The Good Lord knows what! Aren’t you glad I didn’t take THAT advice?!

I’ve used this event and post to bring to the surface some of the questions about where my career in porn is headed and how I am still so outwardly BRENT when it’s clear SEAN is the man with the future and a new calling because it’s a great example of how life is, for me, just as varied right now as it truly appears to be. On one hand I’m bursting at the seams to let the dirty boy out and let him play with all the big dicks he can – on the other, adult Sean yearns for a different kind of career, a different kind of image and certainly a different kind of stimulation.

The truth is, I tried to get it all out of porn once. I truly did. I started and ran three companies so I could produce and direct my own porn. The first one I was utterly screwed out of  (Thanks Lee Bergeron, who conspired behind his partners’ backs with Cobra Owner Bryan Kocis!) and the second I was forced out of because my producing partner became a tyrant (thanks for becoming the very kind of person you were protecting me from, Grant Roy!).

But the truth is, it’s really no one else’s fault porn and being a producer didn’t work out for me the way I thought it should’ve. The truth is, in all of this, I’ve come to realize something so much more valuable:

While I love getting naughty with the best of ‘em,

it was never meant to define me as an individual.

That’s a pretty stellar personal revelation if you ask me. And since you’re reading my blog, I suppose you are . . .

It’s important now that I recognize some people: I want to thank Matt at Manhunt for being one of the most professional, organized and polite promoters I’ve worked with in the industry on an event like this. I’d also like to thank Manhunt for wanting to include me in their tour as well as Fleshjack for providing give aways for the events! You can check out more photos of us in at the event here: MORE PHOTOS!

AND! There is a video from the stage show starring RuPaul’s Drag Race Jessica Wild (I’m on the box second from the right in the back trying too hard) here:

Here’s another video cut by Manhunt! You can really see how much of a blast the event was just by watching:

See pictures from the other events on the tour here!

Manhunt Blog put Jesse Jackman and I in their “Caption This” Contest. 

See comments and leave yours!

LOVERS, LIFE IS PRETTY GOOD IN AND OUT OF PORN.

It’s nice to get out and come to learn there’s always more

to life than what our own lives at home will reveal for us.

I’m just fortunate enough these days to be

living as though I have more than one life.

Thanks for reading and I’m happy you’re here to share with!

With Love,
Sean Paul
Lockhart

AKA

Brent Corrigan

There I was in my room at The Leows Hotel in Center City, Philadelphia – The City of Brotherly Love – ironing my blood red, double collared Zara button-up buck ass naked, watching Topher Grace on the TV in “Take Me Home Tonight” and practicing my acceptance speech for Qfest’s Rising Star Award. Yes, I was hammering out the wrinkles in my cotton, using an iron set to high steam mode just inches from my swinging, completely exposed most prized physical appendage.  Don’t be alarmed; I’ve done stupid things and regarded my dick with far more reckless abandon than wielding the hottest appliances within mere inches before. 

Hey, I was in a time crunch. Hence the multitasking theme of the evening. And yes, you’re right. I could’ve easily just put my tighty whities on and severely diminished the awful chances of burning my dick. Sometimes, you just wanna iron your clothes naked.

I think it’s no secret; I’m the defiant sort. I do what I want – even when I know it’s not the best decision for my person. 

It wasn’t until I slipped on my red striped socks, strapped on my new black dress shoes and stood up to recite the last bit of what I wanted to leave the audience with before the screening of “I Was A Teenage Werebear” that I realized it was best to break down then, in peace and privacy, instead of facial contorting sobs where an entire procession of people could witness. 

I find that if I let loose the emotions that are are welling up inside me on my own time, I can avoid doing it in front of people in a way that can be embarrassing. Embarrassing purely because sometimes when I get going, I don’t have much control over when I stop.  I don’t cry often at all. This is, if I had to theorize, probably why when I do begin to cry I cannot stop easily. So, as you might imagine, I do sit in my room alone, or even sit in my car alone, and just let it all flow.  I am a grown man. My father never taught me it was okay to be emotional – but he also never taught me it wasn’t. And I thank him for that.  I’ve been afforded the chance to decide for myself. Though somewhere within me I have my own hang ups about this – I realize my father’s nurture (or lackthereof) has counteracted some of my strange nature. 

So often it’s not one reason or anything in particular that set the tears streaming. It’s everything and nothing at all. 

But this particular time, tucking in my new red shirt into my underwear and buttoning my slacks, it was a line in my speech. One line. By the way, yes, when I wear slacks and button ups I have a habit of buttoning my shirts into my undergarments. The shirt stays in place better and I don’t have to keep fussing with it all night. Yes, you have my permission to use this little trick of mine for yourself. It can be our little secret. 

The line that kept choking me up? 

“If I can change MY stars, anyone can do it.” 

In so many words this was my point. Naturally, I intended it to be less obviously self-disparaging, but still the very point that was killing my heart softly. 

The support I’ve received from filmmakers and friends and much of queer cinema this last year has been more than a little overwhelming. At first I wanted to just think of it as a temporary fad. I didn’t want to believe that it was bankable, probable, fixture for me. And then when Erik Schute from TLA Releasing called me and asked me to come to Philadelphia for the first time in my life to accept an award for being the next up-and-comer to deserve recognition, I had to stop pretending. 

It’s easy to shrug off the compliments when they are coming from your director, writer, friends and the people who make the films with you. Why? Because they already see it within you and you know they see it because they choose you. It’s also easy to thank the fans with a smile and a nod when they graciously ply you with encouragement and comments outside of the realm of how great you get fucked on film. 

But when the third largest queer film festival in America, one of the most respected screening programs on the festival circuit, says you’ve got a real fucking chance at something you want – something you’ve been deathly afraid of admitting you want for too long because the moment you proclaim the truth you fear every chance and opportunity will leave without a trace – then you kinda, sorta gotta stop lying to yourself and everyone for the sake of some pathetic attempt at preserving what you think is dignity. 

Sometimes the world will only give you a hint, a glimmer of yes, and you’ve gotta just grab it. Take it for yourself. Because “yes’s” become “maybe’s” and then “no’s” too quickly. Chances aren’t open-ended. But most bottoms are.  Eew, did I just committ that to my gay porn blog?

This is not something I can do alone. I’ve always known that. Because of being well aware of such a fact, I’ve always been reluctant. When your fate is rooted too squarely in the hands of other people it’s petrifying.  

When enough people give you a chance and you can prove it’s within you to deliver: it’s emotional.

Your Friend & Lover,
Brent Corrigan is the new Sean Paul Lockhart