Personal Journal

It was just one of those days. You know the ones I’m talking about?

Allow me to elaborate

I woke up about 10 AM. Downed a protein shake, hoovered a bowl of honey nut cheerios and washed my hair in the shower. I slipped on my riding breeches, cinched myself into my boots & half chaps and headed out the door for my horseback riding lesson. I’ve been riding about 2 times a week; some weeks four times depending on when my next show is. It’s a 45 minute drive to Vista where I ride. Though it’s kind of a trek – and gas prices climb every day – I know I made the right choice for my stable to train at. I have a great trainer who’s the best communicator I’ve ever worked with. Not only that, but he’s got a great sense of humor and he makes me laugh out loud. There have been few people in my life ever I can say that about. I take my riding very seriously but he keeps me grounded. I know eventually I could be one of the greatest jumpers alive but there’s no rush and he keeps me from pressuring myself. It’s the perfect way to unwind while mastering something new.

I’ve been riding an older “once great” show jumper. He’s over at the knee, which makes his legs and knees look very unsteady and it gives him the appearance that he’s long past his prime – and even longer past his point of retirement (he’s 26 years old, horses live to be about 30!). He’s a teacher in so many ways. Not only is he old but he’s still doing what he loves; AND he’s still a viable contender in the amateur show circuit. It’s interesting the kinds of philosophies one can derive from an old Thoroughbred. While he doesn’t look like much from the ground, under saddle he’s fantastic. He can be hard to get moving, but once we’re out on the course and jumping he’s just stellar! He flies around the arena and at those moments, when we’re working together as a team, communicating and sharing a journey around the ring, he’s clearly doing the very thing he’s always loved to do – and still does.

Today was an overcast day. I don’t mind a few overcast days here and there. I grew up in Seattle and for the entire duration of my childhood I didn’t see anything wrong with the way the weather was there in the Pacific Northwest. Then I moved to San Diego and realized it truly does get better. The thing about overcast days and horses is . . . well, it’s simple: horses love cloudy weather. It’s as if the electricity in the sky and in the air all around travels right through them. It energizes them. They’re happier, faster and more spirited. I love a spirited horse! I don’t have any problem getting on one that’s a little more than what I can handle. I’d rather be challenged than not. Which is why the old gray I’ve been riding has been a test of my patience. I digress, everything does happen for a reason.

I had a thoroughly successful training session today! As I finished jumping my course, the last one I would ride for the day, both my horse (His name is Slow Dancer) and I could feel the pulse of success surge through us. The old boy got so excited he shot off toward the next available jump; though we were clearly done. He took me completely for surprise. Instead of pulling him back I went with him. It must’ve been a spectacle because all of a sudden a roar of laughter erupted from the group of girls watching me ride. I guess my horse’s enthusiasm made for a fantastic show! It was one of the biggest thrills a guy could ever encounter!  Doing what I love, doing it well, and then connecting with an animal I want nothing more than to love and be loved by - it’s a feeling of elation and satisfaction that cannot be adequately explained in words.

As I left the stable the clouds parted and the sun came out. I opened the sun roof in my car and let the radio play some of my favorite tunes for the drive.  This afternoon I met a friend for a movie (we saw Rio in 3D). I laughed almost through the entire film. I love birds. It’s a movie about parrots.

Coming home all I could think about was how simple and enjoyable life for me is right now. Sure, if I wanted more I could have it.  Right now I seem to have just the right amount of everything. There are some parts of me that aren’t being stimulated but it doesn’t seem to matter as much. Sex, for instance, is not an element in my life right now. And I’m actually really cool with that. Romance? I have a lover and we write letters to one another. Career? I’ve got two mainstream films doing the festivals that are going to get me out into all kinds of cities to meet people and have new experiences! I’ve got a great group of friends I can count on. This is something I can say truthfully for the first time in a long time. I’m not too stressed about finances.  I have my health and my looks.  Though admittedly my reflection is a far cry different from the day I decided I wanted to use it as my money maker. Who cares? I get to spend time outside under the beautiful sun and clouds riding horses a few times a week! I’ve got goals with the voice classes I’ve been taking. I’m making great progress in so many areas of my life. Everything just feels balanced and uncomplicated. Maybe I could use a bit more balance. But I’m cool with that, too.

I think the key to finding happiness lies in accepting where you are in life and what’s working well for you at the time. Life is ever changing. If it’s not this then it’s that. I figured out for myself long ago that I can’t let my misfortunes or failures dictate my feelings. Best advice coming from the happiest of places: roll with them and find little ways to derive pleasure even when everything else seems bleak.

Afterall, it’s the simple things like a cloudy sky turning blue, an old horse, or a silly little 3D movie that can do wonders for my mood! What about yours?

Your Friend & Lover,
Brent Corrigan

There’s something rewardingly sadistic when you’re reminded you’ve got enough traffic power behind you to topple your fellow porn bloggers Well, their hosting, anyway . . . Last night I tweeted links to The Gay Porn Times (Yes, Hard News. HARD NEWS! I get so excited just writing that!) from my little Meet & Greet at Mickey’s for Cocktails with the Stars. It was Saint Patrick’s Day. Anyway, true to Brent Corrigan form and follower, all I had to do was mention I was in the buff (standing next one buff & studly Billy Heights!) in the pictures there and followers flocked. I also told commenter’s I’d kiss them.

Hey, I’m Irish like that. If you’d like to see the pictures, head on over to Gay Porn Times (HARD NEWS!) and check them out yourself. They were such a hit JC added another round:

Article One

Article Two

I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun at a little Meet & Greet like this one.  As time passes I collect more of these under my belt, but do fewer now than ever before.  I’ve created a condition where I pressure myself too much.  This time, at Cocktails, I just let loose (eventually, anyway) and decided I wasn’t going to concern myself with breaking down the porn stereoptypes. In short, I wasn’t trying too hard to prove I’m not just another gay porn star. You are what you will. Besides, it’s more than just a little nuts trying to prove you’re not just a porn star at a porn star event where people take their clothes off and cover their genitals with fuzzy green tophats! Confused? Go see those pictures and you’ll get it.

I do have one confession to make. There are a few reasons for why I do fewer and fewer appearances. One of them is a developing condition that I haven’t really been able to explain until recently. It’s strange that such a thing should happen to me because – frankly, who am I kidding? I love being on stage and I love people watching me. I think that’s a product of growing up in a house with 4 kids and 2 parents that were rarely around (very little doting and attention for lil’ Sean). Admittedly, also it’s just part of my personality. I love to show. I love to be a good show. The point I’m working toward here is – while being on stage is attractive to me, being in a crowd has become scary.  I haven’t been formally diagnosed, but I’d cop it up to a mild form of agoraphobia. It’s not crippling by any means; but these sorts of things do tend to manifest stronger as time passes. Who knows. Maybe I just have less patience than I should. When I arrive at events, or I go out to clubs and bars, street fairs – anything of the like, it takes me a good 30-60 minutes to acclimate. Within that time period I’m very standoffish. I don’t really want to try and carry out a conversation with anyone but those I know best and are most comfortable with.  I need to breathe. I need to focus on relaxing. I need to familiarize myself with the people in the room, where the exits are, and where I can stand if things get to be too much.  For me, it’s best to arrive at an event like this earlier on so as people arrive and the venue fills, I can take it all on little by little. Sometimes if I know it’s going to be nuts right away upon arrival I’ll take a Xanax before arriving (prescribed!) or just have a few shots. I prefer to be on-point and sharp of mind when I’m on the mic or talking with people I am meeting for the first time. However, it’s more important that I’m calm and moderately sedated than have me run screaming from a bar with my arms flailing above my head and people wondering what kind of drugs I’ve overdosed on. Because, let’s face it, when a porn star acts crazy people almost always automatically jump to those kinds of conclusions.

For Cocktails, I arrived and practically freaked.  At first I probably appeared very troubled, annoyed, or anxious. It was purely a product of me struggling to get a grip on myself. Within 20 minutes I was able to say hello to everyone and I was able to be “on” the way people expected me to be.

So, enjoy the pictures of “The Body” (Gotta go to HARD NEWS to see ‘em!) and I hope getting a little peek into “The Mind” was just as enlightening for you

Your Friend & Lover,
Brent Corrigan

I was doing the unthinkable, yet long overdue, task of deleting old pictures from my working macbook. The poor thing is so bogged down with images, full galleries in many cases, that are 5 and 6 years old.

The trouble with going through these old files is that it can be immensely distressing. All the emotions and feelings come back. I can recall so much of where my mind was just by looking into my face of the images from shoots where I was set to be “on”. Or, ever more revealing were the candid images of times when I was meant to be enjoying myself. I can’t say that in all of the rough times I didn’t find some adequate outlet – or find some way to have a good time without hurting myself. But the truth is, in retrospect, most of the things I was doing to “unwind” were ultimately distructive. They only put more strain on me and made me less of what I could have been. I don’t blame others for this behavior, but now that much of that is not a part of my life I have a firm understanding who was contributing most to such a toxic way of life and frame of mind.

Since I’ve embarked on my own business and set out to create a life on my own without hangers-on, or old men to make decisions for me, I’ve realized just how little growing I did in those years. I learned so much, went through so much, but when I take inventory I realize most of those “lessons” were compartmentalized to learning how to cope with the negative projection of my life (the hurtful things people said and believed about me) and of course I learned how to brave a civil suit & murder investigation (old news!). That’s really the extent of it all. I did not learn how to properly run a business, I did not learn how to access untold pools of countless potential models (where have all the sexy muscle twunks gone? Come shoot for me!), and I certainly didn’t learn how to get out into the world and live a life without feeling that at any time someone I trust is going to roll and and show me what their real motives are.

Yes, the hillarity of it is, I can see all of this, relive most of it, just by looking through a few old pictures I am now so keen to commit to the trash can.

Though negative so much of it is, there were so many faces and times that brought the biggest smile to my face. Johnny Rocket and I have drifted and embarked on vastly different paths in life (both good in their own right) and while there was a time when I thought I couldn’t trust him, as well – his face still makes me feel very warm and fuzzy.  Most of the models I’ve hired in the few short years I’ve produced make me recall great feelings. And in this case I’m not just talking about the amazing sex and the real life connection that is garnered from doing the dirty on camera. I don’t care who you are, if you have sex with people on camera you have to admit there is some form of kinship that develops there unlike any other connection! And if you’re not connecting with you co-stars, maybe you’ve got some thinking to do . . . there I go, drifting from the point. Paul’s face still warms my heart.  Cameron Lane was a much needed and underappreciated voice of reason I now sorely miss.  Times I’ve truly enjoyed myself? Horseback riding in LA after the Freshman Cover Shoot Party with Papi and two of my best friends who have remained loyal over the last 4 years – hey, don’t knock 4 years. Four years is the closest thing to longevity a guy like me can get! I was happy at all the events for Another Gay Sequel with the exception of one very dark, thunderous shadow of person that is just “about” in most of the pictures. It seems like ages ago that I felt like I could accomplish anything in the mainstream world and that a whole new world was becoming available to me. Halloween 2009 was a blast, I went out with Papi and my mom and you can see it in our faces! We were more than just lit. We were thoroughly thrilled and we owned the night.

I’ve decided most of this is being archived on discs. These discs I may never, ever look at again.  There are also so many other galleries and sets of things I’d like to keep but mostly just because I’d like them for myself. I know now that I’ve let on I’ve been keeping things from all of you that I will surely be met with a barrage of requests and urgings to release the stuff with haste.  To me, leaving these in the vault is like leaving a time that was corosive to my soul and fraught with insecurities where it belongs: out of my mind’s eye.  It hurts most when people compliment or herald aspects of that era. Besides, I’ve been assessing enough of that damage with other projects I’ve been working on . . .

More important than any of what is divulged above is the very simple truth: The past 2 years of my life have been the happiest of the last 10.  Not everything has been perfect but if it’s not one thing then it will surely be another.  I just think “Just roll with it, or it’ll roll all over you!”. 

"Roll with it, or it'll roll all over you!"