Personal Journal

I was doing the unthinkable, yet long overdue, task of deleting old pictures from my working macbook. The poor thing is so bogged down with images, full galleries in many cases, that are 5 and 6 years old.

The trouble with going through these old files is that it can be immensely distressing. All the emotions and feelings come back. I can recall so much of where my mind was just by looking into my face of the images from shoots where I was set to be “on”. Or, ever more revealing were the candid images of times when I was meant to be enjoying myself. I can’t say that in all of the rough times I didn’t find some adequate outlet – or find some way to have a good time without hurting myself. But the truth is, in retrospect, most of the things I was doing to “unwind” were ultimately distructive. They only put more strain on me and made me less of what I could have been. I don’t blame others for this behavior, but now that much of that is not a part of my life I have a firm understanding who was contributing most to such a toxic way of life and frame of mind.

Since I’ve embarked on my own business and set out to create a life on my own without hangers-on, or old men to make decisions for me, I’ve realized just how little growing I did in those years. I learned so much, went through so much, but when I take inventory I realize most of those “lessons” were compartmentalized to learning how to cope with the negative projection of my life (the hurtful things people said and believed about me) and of course I learned how to brave a civil suit & murder investigation (old news!). That’s really the extent of it all. I did not learn how to properly run a business, I did not learn how to access untold pools of countless potential models (where have all the sexy muscle twunks gone? Come shoot for me!), and I certainly didn’t learn how to get out into the world and live a life without feeling that at any time someone I trust is going to roll and and show me what their real motives are.

Yes, the hillarity of it is, I can see all of this, relive most of it, just by looking through a few old pictures I am now so keen to commit to the trash can.

Though negative so much of it is, there were so many faces and times that brought the biggest smile to my face. Johnny Rocket and I have drifted and embarked on vastly different paths in life (both good in their own right) and while there was a time when I thought I couldn’t trust him, as well – his face still makes me feel very warm and fuzzy.  Most of the models I’ve hired in the few short years I’ve produced make me recall great feelings. And in this case I’m not just talking about the amazing sex and the real life connection that is garnered from doing the dirty on camera. I don’t care who you are, if you have sex with people on camera you have to admit there is some form of kinship that develops there unlike any other connection! And if you’re not connecting with you co-stars, maybe you’ve got some thinking to do . . . there I go, drifting from the point. Paul’s face still warms my heart.  Cameron Lane was a much needed and underappreciated voice of reason I now sorely miss.  Times I’ve truly enjoyed myself? Horseback riding in LA after the Freshman Cover Shoot Party with Papi and two of my best friends who have remained loyal over the last 4 years – hey, don’t knock 4 years. Four years is the closest thing to longevity a guy like me can get! I was happy at all the events for Another Gay Sequel with the exception of one very dark, thunderous shadow of person that is just “about” in most of the pictures. It seems like ages ago that I felt like I could accomplish anything in the mainstream world and that a whole new world was becoming available to me. Halloween 2009 was a blast, I went out with Papi and my mom and you can see it in our faces! We were more than just lit. We were thoroughly thrilled and we owned the night.

I’ve decided most of this is being archived on discs. These discs I may never, ever look at again.  There are also so many other galleries and sets of things I’d like to keep but mostly just because I’d like them for myself. I know now that I’ve let on I’ve been keeping things from all of you that I will surely be met with a barrage of requests and urgings to release the stuff with haste.  To me, leaving these in the vault is like leaving a time that was corosive to my soul and fraught with insecurities where it belongs: out of my mind’s eye.  It hurts most when people compliment or herald aspects of that era. Besides, I’ve been assessing enough of that damage with other projects I’ve been working on . . .

More important than any of what is divulged above is the very simple truth: The past 2 years of my life have been the happiest of the last 10.  Not everything has been perfect but if it’s not one thing then it will surely be another.  I just think “Just roll with it, or it’ll roll all over you!”. 

"Roll with it, or it'll roll all over you!"

It’s been so nice for me to be mostly off the grid these last few weeks! I know, I know! I’ve been careless, selfish and completely inconsiderate. Are you really that surprised? Some of you more so than others, but what’s a boy to do? Sometimes it’s necessary to just shove off and let everything else just flow on without you. Would you believe me if I told you the one thing that got me back on track was getting my ass back in the saddle in the last week? My butt hurts. It’s one of the most satisfying pains I may ever encounter.

It’s an amazing realization – I feel totally and utterly fortunate to have this one aspect of me and my life that I can always turn to for some sort of, well . . . tune up. But most of the time it’s just one big mass or source of happiness and zen for me.  I get sad when I think there are people out there who spend their entire lives without ever finding that one thing that does for them what horseback riding does for me.

I’m back in training, working at two different stables with two different horses. This time around I’m purely heading in a competative direction, choosing not to lease and mess around on horseback but only structure my riding. I guess I’m hoping this will bring some form of organization and structure to other areas of my life. I have my first show in March and I’m already jumping with one of my trainers! I can’t wait to film some of the work I am doing and share it with all of you! Jumping a horse is the closest thing I’ll ever get to riding that Pegasus I fantasized about having as a young boy.

Aside from that I’ve been working in pre production on some mainstream work I’ve become affiliated with – offshoots of the work I did on “I Was a Teenage Werebear”. I’ve been made an associate producer on a short film based on a Stephen King short story, which goes to set in February. I’ve also got a big role in a movie we’re making sometime around April or May, likely filming in Louisiana. It’s another horror project, but I’m insanely excited because the whole thing looks like a shit ton of fun and life’s too short – I’m often too serious – not to take such an opportunity to fuck around a little on film. I really must stop writing like this. I bet it’s very confusing. I don’t try to be so punny. But when it comes to gay sex, almost any aspect of life can be diverted back to something sexual. How exciting! And exhaustive.

As I look back at my little load of work, you know, my more mainstream oriented projects, I’m pleasantly surprised to see a funny little trend developing. I don’t know if it’s because these projects just find me, most of the ones I’ve been a part of just have, or if it’s some outward projection of the kind of person I really am inside, but there is an definite reoccurring camp aspect to most of it. It’s all so nuts! Maybe it’s my porn roots. Probably, most likely of all things it’s because of my background. Though the real wild card in all of it is Judas Kiss – and I’m counting on JK to show the world there is so much more here. But you know all about that already I’m yet able to sift through offers to hand pick the things I really want to do. Honestly, if there’s a trend it’s because the trend has found me and I’ve obliged.

I’ve seen the latest cut of “Werebears” (part of Chillerama) and I’m finally able to breathe easy. Sometimes you just never know how it’s going to turn out. The content alone in that movie is, well, wild. The film looks fantastic and most of my acting is, by my standards, decent enough. I laughed quite a bit, which I think is quite promising!

What else?! Well, I’m working on two books at the moment. The second, latest project is a lot easier for me. This book isn’t so introspective or heavy. It’s something that cums naturally to this three time award winner of a particular sexual position . . . a less serious project, something I had not realized I was such an authority on until a new friend came to me on advice on how to become a better bitch, er, I mean, bottom.

Oh now, what have I done. First day back and I’m already stirring the pot. It’s just not real blog entry if I don’t say something controversial, or do something I shouldn’t.

Your Friend & Lover,
Brent Corrigan

Another year has passed, and I’m thankful to have had the pleasure of sharing it with all of you here on The New Brent Corrigan website! January marks one year at the new place, all on my very own! But we’re never really alone are we? 2011 is full of new projects, forthcoming releases, and closing chapters with the debut of my first book. Thanks for staying on to see what more I have in store for you! I love you all!

Your Friend & Lover,
Brent Corrigan